A momma’s heart

Today’s post was supposed to be me showing off the fantastic dress I made for this week’s Project Sewn… but after 3 different idea changes and one completed skirt I really didn’t feel comfortable with the final product! I think I am more upset that I wasted that gorgeous silk fabric than the time I wasted all week trying to figure it all out!! So moving on from that I am going to finish up next week’s signature look… which is my favorite so far!!

Instead I was going to make a fun post with pictures from Amy and I’s fun adventure out of town to go fabric shopping and generally run amok with out the eldest children, but my oldest Mr. M has gotten sick. A momma’s job is probably the hardest job because you can’t call in sick to go play hooky. As I sit with my boy I am 1.) hoping I don’t catch what he has, and 2.) thinking how grateful I am to have the ability to be here with him and have him in my life. This brings me to what I want to blog about.

October is known as breast cancer awareness month to all. I used to proudly sport my pink all month long because my grandmother passed away from having breast cancer for the 2nd time. Within the last two years though October means something completely different for my family. It is also Infant loss month. The amount of women that suffer miscarriages, still borns, or infant death each year is shockingly more than people think, but why is it not talked about as much then?? Maybe because it is one of those touchy subjects most people want to steer clear from, but I will tell you I am a mother that has suffered two miscarriages and a still born, and I will talk about it.

The moment you become a parent (which is the moment you find out you are expecting, I don’t care what anyone says!!!!!!!) you feel a love you have never felt before, ever! Then when you lose that love you unfortunately experience a hurt you have never felt before either. With each loss we had, my husband and I found this courage inside of us to keep on going. Not just for ourselves but for Mr. M! Suffering loss is always hard, but it was very hard on us to suffer three losses after having Mr. M. He was a relatively easy pregnancy so it was confusing to us as to why we kept struggling to “bake” our babies as I would say.

I will share a bit of my journey with you all. After getting married in November of 2009, my husband and I decided on trying to start a family right away. It took us about a month to get pregnant! The very next October Mr. M arrived! We talked about it and decided we wanted to wait until he was 3 to have another baby. Then Mr. M started growing up and was the easiest baby in the world, so we decided hey why not give this another try sooner than later. We got pregnant in August of 2011 and unfortunately found out a day before Mr. M’s first birthday that our baby stopped growing at 10 weeks. Our hearts were broken, but we were not going to let that stop us from having the family we wanted. When we were given the ok to try again a couple months later we were pregnant within another month. this time we were very careful, as to not do anything to hurt the baby or cause any issues. Once we sailed past the first trimester into the second trimester we saw a light at the end of the tunnel. We found out at 20 weeks that we were having another boy, Collin. Unfortunately at 21 weeks after not feeling our very active boy, we went in to get checked and found out that he had passed away. I delivered the most beautiful sleeping boy. He was only about a foot long and weighed one pound, and looked identical to his older brother. After having two back to back losses I didn’t think I would ever want to try again because I couldn’t go through it again. 5 months later the husband and I had this sinking suspicion that we were pregnant again. We were not trying at all and had very mixed feelings, and then it happened again. We miscarried that baby at 6 weeks. Just a week after finding out about baby. How I mentally survived 2012, I couldn’t tell you. I just prayed for the beginning of the year to start because there had to be some good in 2013 with how awful 2012 was.

Thankfully 2013 has not disappointed and we found out in January that we were expecting again. Now my 5th pregnancy, we knew anything could happen! After an eventful pregnancy filled with sickness, bed rest, non stress test, ultrasound after ultrasound, multiple trips to the hospital, and one very close call that resulted in having labor stopped, our beautiful rainbow baby was born… 3 weeks early because she is a Diva and does things her own way, but behold she is beautiful, healthy, and alive! Almost exactly 3 years from Mr. M’s arrival we had another baby!! It was hard work to get here, and even though we had said we only wanted 2, I would give anything to have all 5 of my babies with me. I would have a houseful like those crazy Dugger’s and their 56 kids (exaggerating) if I could. So we opened our home to my 16 year old niece.  And even though my niece Petunia (no that is not her real name but that is the name I have called her for years) isn’t my actual child, she is indeed my kid!! I mean no offense to my sister but the kid looks more like me than her own mama! :)

So while everyone is out supporting the save the boobies campaign all month long, please don’t forget about all the little ones that were not here with us to wear pink in honor of breast cancer! And if you too have suffered lost remember two things: 1.) There is no timeline for grief, you can grieve and miss your baby(ies) for as long as you need/want and, 2.) There are more of us out there than you think and we are each others support system, so let’s stick together!

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And I apologize to anyone that thought this post was a bit deep/intense, but sometimes you just need to open your heart, and sometimes people just need to know what is on a momma’s heart!

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